The Twelve Days AFTER Christmas
by Icy Sapphire15
Summary: When Sakura sends Sasuke twelve gifts for the twelve days of Christmas, what's he to do? Why, destroy them of course! Based off the song, The Twelve Days After Christmas. Crackalicious and my Xmas pressie to y'all. Happy Holidays!


-breathing angrily and looking muderous-  
Naruto: Uh-oh...Er...IS? -waves a hand in front of her face-  
-snaps at his hand-  
Naruto: Eep! -summons a clone who turns into Naruko-  
Naruko: -leads IS away-  
Naruto: While IS is off being upset about something, I guess I'll introduce this. It's the Twelve Days AFTER Christmas, a rather fun parody of the Twelve Days of Christmas. She wrote it and wanted to get it up earlier, but couldn't. She wanted you all to consider it her late Christmas gift, the gift of crackalicious yaoi.  
Disclaimer: IS owns none of us. The closest she came to owning Naruto was when she got a Naruto Konoha headband. Looks like Santa didn't think she was a good girl this year after all...

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'The first day after Christmas,  
My true love and I had a fight.'

Sasuke looked up from a burning picture of Sakura. "She's not my true love!!" He screeched.

_'And so I chopped the pear tree down,  
And burned it just for spite.'_

Sasuke cackled as he pointed to the fire where Sakura's picture was burning. Closer examination revealed that it was a pear tree fueling the fire.

_'Then with a single cartridge  
I shot that blasted partridge.'_

BANG! A partridge came tumbling down from the air, landing in the fire.  
"What the eff?" Naruto heard the shot and came running from the direction of the kitchen. He saw the partridge lying in a crumpled heap by the fire. "Sasuke!" He cried in dismay, "You started another fire without me! Are you burning another Sakura-chan dummy?"  
Sasuke jumped guiltily away from the fire, where he'd been crouching, and embraced Naruto. "I'm sorry love." He pulled a Sakura dummy from thin air and asked, "Will it help if you help me burn this dummy?"  
"YAY!!" With that being said, the duo dumped the dummy onto the fire, where it burned with lovely blue and purple sparks.

_'My true love, my true love,  
My true love gave to me.'_

"For the last time, Sakura isn't my true love!! Naruto is!"  
"And occasionally Naruko."  
Sasuke blushed as a girl dropped down from the ceiling, narrowly missing Naruto and landing on Sasuke. "Yeah, yeah, I hear you." She grumbled.

_'The second day after Christmas I pulled on the old rubber gloves,  
And very gently wrung the necks  
Of both the turtle doves.'_

"Nurse, gloves."  
"Which nurse doctor?"  
"Not you, Nurse IS."  
Naruto- wearing a little nurses uniform, complete with a cross on the breast- handed Sasuke a pair of old, ratty, tatty rubber gloves. He proceeded to viciously strangle the birds.

_'My true love, my true love,  
My true love gave to me.'_

"She's not my true love!"  
"Suuuuuuuuuure."

_'The third day after Christmas,  
My mother caught the croup,'_

"My mommy's dead!!" Sasuke sobbed.  
"Fine, fine, then your lover caught the croup." IS waved a hand negligently. Naruto started hacking, and coughing violently.  
"Ahhh!! Naru-kun!! HANG ON!!"

_'I had to use the three French hens  
To make some chicken soup.'_

Sasuke ran around in circles crying that he would save Naruto, while IS started butchering the hens. "Hehehehehe…oh wait, I couldn't get any of that arsenic…no poisoning those two idiots. Damn."

_'The four calling birds were a big mistake  
For their language was obscene.'_

"F-ck you."  
"Up yours b-tch."  
POW! "Another bunch of birds down..."  
"Sasuke, you're so violent."  
"You know you like it."  
"…So?

_'The five gold rings were completely fake,  
And they turned my fingers green.'_

IS and Naruto laughed hysterically as, once again, Sasuke ran around in circles screaming and waving his green hands in the air. "Sasuke, relax! Anyone would think you were a PMSing girl the day of a dance."  
"…I loathe you…" was heard amid the pops and crackles of the fake rings melting on yet another Sakura induced bonfire.

_'The sixth day after Christmas,  
The six laying geese wouldn't lay,  
So I gave the whole darn gaggle  
To the ASPCA.'_

"NO!! YOU ARE NOT KILLING ONE SET OF BIRDS IN THIS HOUSE!!"  
"But…but…Naruto-chan! I want to kill the useless things. Why won't you let me?"  
IS stuck her head into the room where the boys were arguing. "Um…Naruto, the animal handlers are here from the ASPCA. Should I let them in?"  
Naruto paused in his argument. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."  
IS led the ASPCA men (and one woman…I think…) into the room and they quietly removed the geese from under the squabbling boys noses. "Hah! And they call themselves ninjas."

_'On the seventh day what a mess I found,  
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned.'_

Sasuke was seen crouched by a kiddy pool where six swans lay dead. He was holding the seventh swan's head underwater, cackling maliciously. "At least I get to kill one last set of birds…"

_'My true love, my true love,  
My true love gave to me.'_

Sasuke just glared at IS. "You know what?" He finally said.  
"Hmm?" IS asked from behind Absolute Boyfriend, not really paying attention.  
"I give up. I'll never get through to you IS. I'll know that I love Naruto, but you'll never let me admit that Sakura isn't my true love."  
IS put down her book. "Sasuke, I know that you are completely in love with Naruto. I just like torturing you." With those sweet words, she returned to her book while Sasuke just looked at her incredulously.

_'The eighth day after Christmas,  
Before they could suspect,  
I bundled up the eight maids a milking,  
Nine pipers piping,  
Ten ladies dancing,  
'Leven lords a leaping,  
Twelve drummers drumming and sent them back collect.'_

A group of people looked rather startled as Sasuke tied them up, and using his Awesome-Strength-no-Jutsu tossed them all unceremoniously onto a red flyer wagon. Naruto grunted as he began to pull the heavy load toward the Shinobi Postal office. The shinobi manning the office just stared as Sasuke and Naruto pulled in a wagonload of oddly dressed men and women. IS started to laugh her head off when she heard the price- and laughed all the harder when she saw the faces of the postal workers faces when Sasuke coughed up the money and paid to send them all back collect too. IS, having the mighty authoress powers that she did, could practically feel the relief that they were feeling. 'At least it's a local delivery,' was the biggest relief filled thought.

_'I wrote my true love, 'We are through, love',  
And I said in so many words, 'Furthermore your Christmas gifts  
Were for the birds!''_

Sakura read the letter that was delivered with the large group of people milling around her kitchen. Sakura thanked every god she could think of, and for good measure thanked the devil as well, that her mother was out shopping. Sakura would have to shove them all out the door before her mother got back. Daddy was out…where was daddy come to think of it? Oh well, Haruno-san was gone, that was all that mattered. Wait one gosh darn minute! Sakura squinted closer at the handwriting on the letter. Being number one of the Uchiha Sasuke fangirls, she knew the boys handwriting to a fault. This was an almost flawless replication, but not quite the right style. It was a forgery! Sakura crushed the note and began plotting to figure out who had tried to break Sasuke and herself up.

Meanwhile, the real letter said…  
'Sakura- GET IT THROUGH YOUR FREAKIN' THICK HEAD!! I DON'T LOVE YOU, YOU PICKLEHEAD!! GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!! GAHHHH!! I LOVE NARUTO! GOT IT?! I. LOVE. NARUTO. NOT YOU!!

Luckily for Sakura, IS swiped the letter and tucked her own, nicer version in with the dancers, lords, pipers, drummers, and milk-maids.

* * *

-breathing a little bit calmer now-  
Naruko: -leaves on a rampage-  
Naruto: -cowers- Why are you two so mad?  
-shrugs- Oh, some people on AA are pissing and moaning about my yaoi avatar. -cracks knuckles and makes a visible effort not to go kill something- So Happy Holidays, and a Merry Christmas. Anyone get anything good? Like, say, the rights to Naruto who would be willing to sell/share/let me play with them?  
Naruto: -makes begging sounds behind IS- No. Please say no...  
-twacks Naruto on the back of the head- If anyone sees any grammar mistakes, please point them out. I'm tired and pissy and ate some of my formatting. So I had to redo it all, and that was a pain in the...ahem. 


End file.
